Is there an alien in the house!?

I don’t believe in aliens!

But I do believe that parent alienation is a real thing -ie that it is possible for one (or both) parents to try and poison the children’s relationships with the other parent, which can have lifelong effects on the children, and must be taken seriously by judges.

However, I also believe that it is not something that can necessarily be diagnosed in the same way that you can identify domestic violence or controlling and coercive behaviour.

Which means it will be a question of fact in each case.

Simply because one parent is rude about another parent in the children’s presence does not automatically mean that the children will be affected – depending, for example, on the age and abilities of the children, it may be completely disregarded by them (my kids never listen to a word I say anyway) and could even backfire.

If the children have a good relationship with one parent, the other parent could damage their relationship with the children by talking trash about the other side.  Particularly if the “good” parent never does the same.  Kids aren’t stupid!   If parents try to prevent their children from seeing the other parent, it could make the children even more keen to spend time with the absent parent.

And of course there is always the risk that the absent parent will automatically assume that the parent who has primary responsibility for the children will be talking negatively about them – which isn’t always the case.

That does not, of course, mean that the problem should be ignored, but it should be put into context.  It shouldn’t automatically be assumed that it’s happening, and if it is happening, it shouldn’t automatically be assumed that it’s having any or any material effect.

Whether you are the parent with primary responsibility for the children, or the more absent parent, don’t say anything negative about the other parent in the children’s hearing.  Try to keep everything as neutral as possible.  If you do accidentally say the wrong thing (we all have those moments, perhaps because you forgot that the children were even in the car!) then counter it as quickly as you can by telling them something positive about the parent in question.  Like most kids, they have a nasty habit of repeating all the things that they shouldn’t, and if they happen to repeat it to the wrong person (such as a CAFCASS officer) you will regret it!

If you do think that your ex is doing/saying something negative about you, keep notes of what you are told, but don’t interrogate the children as that can be seen as tit for tat.  I’ve seen Judges get particularly cross with parents who deliberately video their kids, whilst encouraging them to dish the dirt on the other side – you will do more harm than good to your position in the long run.

A parent’s focus should always be on developing a loving relationship with their children, in a stress free environment (particularly if you don’t spend as much time with them as you’d like.  The happier they are in your company and the more they are enjoying themselves, the less likely it will be that anything your ex says will have any material effect.

Kleyman & Co Solicitors.  The full service law firm.  The truth is in here and out there.