Being a solicitor is weird

Or rather, it’s not being a solicitor that’s the weird part, but the clients and the legal questions they ask you.

For amusement purposes, I’m listing my favourites.

1. I was once asked whether my client could apply for custody of the family pet in divorce proceedings. I know that a dog is man’s (or in this case woman’s) best friend, but it is actually a chattel (i.e. a thing rather than a person), so it belongs to whoever bought it, unless it was a gift. However, unless it’s a thoroughbred with a resale value, it’s not worth anything to anyone other than to you, and possibly to your ex (particularly if they want to make life difficult for you and lay claim to the pooch!)

2. Whilst we’re on the subject of dogs, I was asked recently if it would be legal to employ the family pet in the family business. Well, yes, but you can’t pay them a salary as a way of avoiding tax and national insurance – nice try! My client seemed both surprised and disappointed, so I went on to explain that an animal cannot enter into a contract and so cannot be an employee. Ah, said my persistent and enterprising client, what about all the animals that work on films and on TV shows? Yes, that’s true, but it will be their owner/trainer that enters into the contract and gets paid, not the animal itself.

3. Divorce proceedings seem to bring out the majority of the strange questions, such as the time I was asked about whether handbags can be listed as assets. Yes, they can, but only if they are designer ones with a significant resale value. In this particular case my client became quite excited, talking about all the business trips he’d done to far-flung places, each time bringing back a new item for his soon to be ex, which she’d lovingly cared for, so she should have declared them in her financial disclosure. Great, I said, what do you think their value is? No idea, he said. OK, well what did you pay for them – oh very little – I bought them all from the local markets. So, they’re probably fakes, I said – yes, he confirmed, but she doesn’t know that. Erm……!

4. But I think the best (i.e. most entertaining!) question I’ve been asked recently was about “enhancements”. My client wanted his ex to disclose exactly how much she’d spent on plastic surgery and other treatments and exactly what she’d had done. When I questioned why this information might be relevant, he explained (very patiently, like he was talking to someone a bit simple!) that this meant that she was actually worth more and would live longer due to his investment and so could work longer, which should be taken into account. Speechless!

Whoever said law was boring!

Kleyman & Co Solicitors. The full-service law firm. Always able to keep a straight face.